He had been on a wine tasting thingey with his workmates yesterday and I expected to see him drunk, but nope. It’s so annoying that I’ve NEVER seen Tom drunk EVER! Everytime we’re out for a drink, I’m the one giggling and blushing.

This morning, he thought he smelled wine in the room, but I assured him it was his imagination.

Then he asked me why I had been so down the day before and I told him things that I thought I’d never hear myself saying, let alone thinking about.

I said that I wasn’t sure about my future in art. I said my style was not original, my dream of becoming a comic artist was unreal and wouldn’t happen… In fact, during the entire course, the only thing I had felt certain about was the essay writing. WRITING. Fine art was going downhill because I don’t feel like I can deliver a strong message to the public through my art. Especially when I am not allowed to use paper.

A part of me was going: “What the heck are you saying woman!? Snap out of it!”

Another one countered: “At least she is being realistic.”

Tom’s response was not really what I expected. He was not angry. Not sad. Not worried. He reminded me that I had gotten a Merit for my Illustration. That I had gotten this far. That my art was really good.

In fact, he said something which is still echoing in my head. “What you need to figure out is if you actually need to take the three year degree level afterwards.”

Of course I need it. … Right? I’d learn how to draw… And stuff. Yeah… It would be good for me. It would look good on a CV. I would get more contacts within the art industry. But Tom’s words made me think. I know what I want to do. I know it even more so now after experimenting at the course, and I want to develop the things that I have in my head. Do I really need to go to a degree level course for this? Can I do it on my own? Can I actually start working now after the Foundation is finished?

I start thinking about a comic artist from the Artist Yearbook 2006, who I can’t remember the name of for the life of me, who had a similar problem. He set a target for himself. He said that he would give himself One Year to see if the path of art worked. He would stop doing everything and just focus on his dream and do everything to make it come true, and if it didn’t after that year, he would just study to get a normal job.

After the Foundation course, should I do the same? It is too early to make decisions about this right now, but I find this idea very appealing. I have some savings I could live on and I would start self publishing. Tom said earlier: “I know how to make money, you just need to start creating things.”

Suddenly things look up.

And about the quitting part.

“If you want you can go back to that town of yours and start applying for some burger places, or you can stop emoing and get on with the course.”
Tom said this with a wide smile on his face.

Got a merit for my Illustration project so I am quite pleased. I guess. She said my work is so ‘literal’. ‘Obvious’. I also need to break out my style more.

I’m not sure about many things atm, but I do know that my work always is obvious and literal. I am not mysterious or have hidden meanings etc. Does that mean I go for the simple solutions? Do they see it as that?

Very very close to breaking point. Just found out that we have yet another assignment over christmas in Contextual studies which includes working in groups and presenting something in two months. A big project. I didn’t know this because I was home last week with a sprained neck.

I spoke to El yesterday who said that she had serious thoughts about dropping out as well after hearing about Kez. But she can’t do it because she promised her parents. She seems really tired too.

Today was the first day I actually found myself thinking about dropping out.

My creativity is down the drain and it cannot be forced up. My brain has been reduced to mush due to all the stress and pressure. My body is aching and my neck is just waiting to get sprained again.

To be completely honest, I have learned a lot here and I have liked it a lot, but not sure for how much longer I can hold on.

Got three things to do over Christmas when I’m supposed to be home to see my family which I have not seen in about half a year. I want to focus on them and on my friends when I’m there. I don’t want to stress with this goddamned work.

“Dropping out is not an option.”

I know that. Why? Well to start off, I’ve borrowed money from Sweden and can’t just toddle off with it. Another reason is me wanting to do a degree in Illustration. Without a pass in Foundation I will not have an unconditional space for the degree course.

I guess I’ll keep on going and going and going…

One of my very good friends dropped out from the course due to immense stress. She said she’s losing her passion for art when being pushed like we are.

I’m gonna miss her.

This is just another reminder of what the course really does to people.

Me? I just keep on going and going and going and going… But sad now.

Technology Society!

They do GAMING. Woot! I joined this morning. Hopefully I should recieve notices when they are organizing LAN parties and such.

In other news. Neck is a lot better today, but now I’m 3 days behind Uni work…

I almost cough the milk over my laptop, but manage to swallow it before my body decides to have a coughing fit.

Eating hurts. Drinking hurts. Typing hurts. Heck, even sleeping hurts, hence why I have not really gotten that much sleep in three days now.

It is day three of my sprained neck. I tried to go to University today, but had to go home after 3 hours due to the pain. “Another short day, eh?” The busdriver said with his thick bristolian accent. I just sighed and replied ‘yep’. Tried to work on my project on the bus. Got to my stop. Busdriver stopped and smiled at me.
“Keep it steady, ya hear, an’ have a good weekend.”

Then I was out in the light drizzle and walked home.

My shelter. My own place. My sanctuary. After more than a year here, it truly begins to feel like my home. Sweden and Lulea will always be my ultimate home, but I just finally feel like I belong here too now.

We have started to hang up pictures and clean the place up. Matt is moving out a week on Saturday and me and Tom will have this flat for ourselves for 4 months. I want to decorate it. I want to make it MINE. This is something I haven’t really been able to do before due to flatmates. It’s not like they’ve told me to keep my shit off the walls, but I just don’t want to force my stuff onto others…
Creativity is down the drain.

I am stressing so much that my body decides to go on strike. Sprained neck. Tired wrists. Headaches. Coughs. You name it. Everything I do seems rushed and without… feeling. I normally spend lots of time on a picture, trying to give it character. Now I just do my best to finish projects before the deadlines.

A classmate has had a breakdown at home.

Another one was thinking of dropping out.

I have never been seriously ill, but this exhaustion is getting worse and worse. I sometimes fear I will have a breakdown too, but try my best to just keep going.

I feel like a friggin’ duracell rabbit.

She keeps on going… and going… and going.. and going…

… But when will she hit the wall?

From: http://www.sinfest.net/archive_page.php?comicID=1037

Look left. Nope.

Look right. Aouch. Nope.

Look down. blarhgjkdfsd. Nope.

Look up. Kind of works, a tad.

Yesterday was Ow. Went home from Uni before lunch. Called in sick today. Made up a new rule for myself. Next time I get a period, I just stay home. Not even going to try going anywhere as it is a waste of time.

Can’t do anything creative. Mostly due to my neck telling me to shove it, but also because of that nagging little bitch in my lower back. Ah yes, PMS is here.

So! What have I been doing! Hmm. Taken showers, slept (tried to), twiddled thumbs, attempted to draw, written some crap, read webcomics…

Had some coffee.

Gah! Why wasn’t I born a MAN?

… Hmm. Would have to make Tom gay.

While cleaning my room yesterday, I found two yummy vouchers for Waterstones, given to me on my birthday from Angie and J. After visiting the bank today I went straight to buy a graphic novel.

Guess what I found. (Please don’t mind the tiredness, I’ve been out and about all day)

ZOMG HALO GRAPHIC NOVEL.

Ahajhrjkhakshahsakgs! *orgasms*

Complete randomness. Brought to you by Jen.