Whew whew. Yes. I was pretty upset yesterday and I still have a tiny piece of that feeling left, but I control it. I talk to others about it. A girl in my former GD class got a Pass…. Her work was STUNNING. Absolutely *stunning*. She had worked her ass off on everything and really did a amazing job.

She told me I hadn’t been treated fairly because of the referral. I deserved better.

Oh well. I’ll talk to my tutor tomorrow and see what she wants me to do to get a pass. Until then I’m going to enjoy my new area for a month.

ILLUSTRATION.

With a tutor who actually teaches Graphic Novels on degree level!(!!!!!)

I love her. I absolutely adore her. She’s amazing. She made me laugh yesterday, even though I felt like jumping out a window.

So why does it matter?

By the end of the day, I was just in a little blissful cloud of “no period pain” and happy that I could walk straight. That was the joy of my day.

How much shit was everything else? Well…

I was met by a glaring folded paper with my name on it in the pigeon hole at Uni. “Ah, My Graphic Design grade” I thought. “Probably got only a pass.” Waited to unfold if until I entered my old studio and dumped my bag on my desk.

Unfolded.

The word “Referral” stared back at me. Referral? What the heck does that mean? Is that some made up grade? Is it better than pass? Worse? I read the commentary, eager to find out what this mysterious English grade might mean, only to find critisism at my work and the apparent failure to create a final piece. The note was telling me that I basically had to redo it.

Not sure what I thought at this moment. I stuffed it down in my bag and headed off to the computer room.

I had made the three tasks for the essay. It was supposed to be handed in today. I had mailed them to myself and was preparing to print them out on one of the macs. Still with that “Referral” in the back of my head, nibbling on my conscience, I attempted to print my essay tasks. The computer crashed.

Haha. Must be the mac. Yep. I went to the library. It couldn’t open my file. I was just staring at the monitor. No. They do not like Open Office. I went down to the computer technicians. Didn’t work there either. I found myself with an unprinted essay which had a deadline of… TODAY, and a crumpled up note in my backpack saying I sucked.

Then the short stabbing pain in my lower stomach. Oh yes. It was time. Between the panic I went off to the loo to discover my trousers now having a slighter redder colour at a certain place. My jacket was tied around my waist for the rest of the day.

I wanted to cry many times during the day, but forced the tears away by blinking continously and thinking happy happy thoughts. Worked until I got home. Cried on Tom’s shoulder for a while.

So. Let us focus on the three things that sucked today.

First off we have the marking of my project, something which I worked my ass off to pass, even though I am shit at Graphic Design. I even asked to talk to my GD tutor especially because I was feeling uncertain about the look of my project, but she flicked through my sketchbook and said things like: “This is lovely Jennie” “That’s very nice” etc. She looked at my plan for my final piece and nodded in approval as I explained my idea for her. I thought that was the green light, the “Go for it!” from her. So I went for it, and in the end it wasn’t good enough. Why didn’t she tell me back then when I asked her for help? Why didn’t she let me know something obviously was wrong? I was ASKING HER. Then I wasted my time.

Probably some misunderstanding. Probably me fucking up somehow. Probably not her lying me in the face at all, even though it clearly felt like it. I am just upset. Very very upset.

Shit number 2!

Essay not printing. Wohoo. Deadline today. Yay. I want to cry , but go to the essay tutor and tell her what’s going on. She gives me her mail so that I can send it to her from home. I did that the second I stepped through the door a few moments ago. She saved me. The panic creeping on to me earlier had been horrifying.

And finally! Shit number 3!

Last, but certainly not least, Period. Pain. Lots of it. In huge portions. Talking is hard. Standing is hard. Being still is hard. We are having a presentation in class. I need to “drug” myself up on painkillers before being able to speak without twitching. During the beginning of the day I walked around in a cloud of excrutiating pain, after some pills I just felt numb. Not because of the pills themselves, trust me. Normal paracetamol won’t do that to you! But because of everything that was going on around me.

Tom came home, dried my tears, bought me pie and promised to play some Halo in cooperative mode with me.

Maybe the evening can be saved.

I just got a message from my Graphic Design tutor who (if I can read her handwriting right) doesn’t like my work and wants me to redo it to pass.

This is a complete shock to me as I worked my ass off on that project. I really did my best, but I knew that I wasn’t good at Graphic Design. I can’t do much better than what I did.

Man I’m crushed. What a horrible start to my day.

…

Thursday I went to the comic forum for the first time in ages. Felt wonderful to meet the people again and see lots of new faces. It is clear that the forum is growing :O At least two people came up to me and asked if I was JenJen as well. I guess I spam the community too much!

The founders of Praxis Comic (a company in Bristol) also came to talk to us about what they do. Afterwards they wanted to see people’s portfolios. I had some of the stuff I had torn down from my walls earlier with me, but it was hardly a portfolio. To be completely honest, I was a bit embarrassed by the state of it, so I didn’t come forward when they called for artists. It was later on when Bubbles (someday she’s gonna kill me for calling her that) told me that she could take my art to the praxis guy that I actually agreed a bit. Or well, I couldn’t do much else. She was demanding! :D

He came through and looked around for the artist. She pointed at me as I was trying to hide behind my orange juice in the cosy pub. I was defeated and went over to talk to him about my work. He liked my recent stuff with the watercolour but also said that it’s hard to get going with it since you need to get a name for yourself first with some mainstream stuff. That means inking or photoshop stuff. I had a moment of: “Oh Yeah? Well I’ll show you! ONE DAY!”, but I supressed these feelings and just nodded.

I know that it’s hard to get started with comics if your stuff looks more like a painting (that is what he said about my first page of Nebo), but I love experimenting with watercolour and ink and I will continue doing that. I want to work with my hands, not in front of a computer screen.

Gave me a good thinker though. Hm. To go on with my plans for Nebo or start off with something more “mainstream”?

We’ll leave those thoughts for later.

—-

Saturday was the day for gaming with Nik, Chris and TomTom. I’m getting a bit better at Halo 2, I must admit.

We bought a mountain of unhealthy snacks which filled the table and had pizza for dinner. Mmmm, fat! Later on we also watched an episode of Battlestar Galactica before the guys had to go home. Was a fantastic day all in all, but I still have to learn the way of hosting properly.

—-

Sunday, today.

Study study study. last minute stuff. Tomorrow is first day of Uni after mid-term stuff. I can’t wait to get back, even though they are piling work on me and breaking my back in the process :D

Been doing my second round of unicycling a few moments ago. First time I had to cling onto both Tom on one side and the carpark wall on the other. With that support I could still only pedal a little bit before losing my balance and falling off. Today I could pedal with only Tom on my side and I could even TURN. :O Also doing it a bit faster now. I wonder when I will be able to do it without any support AT ALL. Wooo! Maybe then I can be like:

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoID=672785638

(If it works. It’s been working fine before, but got an error today)
She’s apparently the best unicycler in the world. A japanese girl who has an awesome way of dressing. And she’s cute too. Damnit.

one day! ONE DAY! I’ll show you!

Yesterday I decided to go on a trip to Cardiff together with the International Students at my University. We were a small group of about 15 people who went with the organiser Julian to the Welsh National Museum and later on to the Welsh Folk Museum which basically is an interactive museum outside where they have reconstructed an old welsh village with everything in it. O_O Of course I didn’t take many pictures since I was too busy having fun, but Maria took a few. May show some later on.

I was in one of the old shops together with some of the students when someone comes up to me and gently takes a grip around my hand. I look down and see this amazingly cute child staring up at me with big eyes. It was something that only really lasted a moment since I said: “Hello~” and he had to walk off with his mother, but it was so random and touching. Since when are they so friendly towards strangers? …. Must.. Not… Start… Liking… Children…

This trip started at 9am and lasted until 6pm in the evening. During this time I for some reason always bumped into Monisha and she bumped into me. She was a few millimeters from poking my eyes out with her umbrella twice and we stepped on eachothers toes. We always apologized 4839047035 times and laughed, but she also said: “Jen, this means we will be very good friends!” and “Ouch! Now we are friends forever!”

Monisha is a very cute indian girl who always seems to be happy and talkative. She was the one I got along with best during the trip.

Of course it started raining after a while and on the way home we were all drenched. I didn’t have a jacket due to it being in the wash at home, so I was freezing. My trousers were sticking and unsticking to my lower legs as I walked. My socks were soaked and my trainers muddy. Put simply, I was feeling incredibly cold and sick during the evening.

All I wanted was a hot shower and a change of clothing, but a phonecall on the bustrip back steered my steps towards Iguanas (the Brazilian bar) where Tom was waiting with his workmate. I thought: “Well, I’ll have a hot drink and be a bit social, but then I’ll go home.”

… Didn’t quite end like that.

Tom’s workmates boyfriend James came along and we all ended up sitting there for 4 hours just chatting and drinking. I feel so embarrassed that I today cannot remember the name of the nice lady who Tom works with. She’s really cool and invited us over for dinner sometime!

So… 4 hours later I was a bit too tipsy to really be cold, but the moment we stepped out of the warm (and noisy) bar I started hacking my teeth (is that how you say it?) and shiver like nuts. Couldn’t speak properly without stuttering. Tom thought I was joking until I actually walked faster than him (which I never normally do). I guess he understood by that moment that I wasn’t kidding around.

Got home, took a LONG HOT SHOWER and enjoyed some home cooked food before snuggling down in the sofa and watching Newsnight.

Played a bit of New Super Mario Bros before falling asleep.

Amazing (but cold) day.

And gaming.

And watching movies.

Yeah. I like half term, even though we are expected to write for our essay this week, I still find it oh so relaxing to be at home. I get up early and start working right away downstairs since there’s more room there and my computer upstairs doesn’t work anyway. Right now my only connection to the world of zeh internet is through my 5(?) year old toshiba laptop.

I’ve gotten some tips from Henrik how to whore my art out so I’m gonna start doing that when I get the time. (yay!)

Had Nik over the other day and gamed for about 8 hours. Mario Kart and Halo 2 :P I actually have picture proof that I won two of the halo deathmatches. Gwahahah! *is sure not to mention that the others had handicaps on :D*

Also read the news a lot. Both Swedish and UK and general World news. The continous struggle in Iraq and Afghanistan is really quite frightening. One evening I just turned to Tom after reading a report of taliban threatning to attack Europe. I said something stupid in the lines of: “Okay. That’s it. They are fucking nuts down there. Just take all our troops out from EVERYWHERE and let them kill eachother. Don’t interfere anymore, it’s clear that the different militant groups don’t give fuckall about peace. Why the heck are we there anway?”

Tom: “Oil.”

Me: “Oh. Shit.”

I do realise that my comments were utterly stupid and unfounded, but sometimes I really feel like that. Whenever I hear about more troops getting killed, Americans raping girls, Iraqi civilians getting slaughtered everyday…. I just have my naive thoughts: “Why can’t we all just get along!? What the fawk is wrong with you people! Who can even think about building a bomb to kill children? What kind of fucked up minds do these humans have?!”

*whew* Vent complete. I need to go to Asda, but it’s so far away… Bwah!

Unless some kind of miracle happens, I will most likely have to go to Sweden on my own this christmas.

The miracle being money. So I’ve been thinking. I can sit here and be horribly sad over the fact that I won’t spend christmas with my Tom, or I can really try to do something about it. I decided on the second option.

I am going to whore myself out like never before! It is degrading, it is embarrassing, but hopefully it pays off!

I am going to make an attempt to sell my art for the first time. … You didn’t think I was going to sell something else, did you? <3

For now I am cutting up old paper to make small xmas cards and the like for the xmas market in december. I am also going to try to get some at least A4 artwork done and sell that as well. Maybe even A3, which means less sleep and more work for me.

So maybe... Maybe I get things sold and can take Tom with me. Maybe...

Here's the first page for Nebo, which is impossible to scan in on an A4 scanner, you'll see. The comic will be in B&W which is a lot cheaper. No way I can finish it before christmas though. I don't want to rush this project. Click me for big picture!

After having discussed possibilities with Tom, it is now getting quite clear that we can’t both afford going to Sweden this christmas.

I am not a happy person atm.

There are so many things I want to do, NEED to do, but I find myself running out of time. I could say that I want more hours in a day, but to count time that way is just one way to do it. Sometimes I feel like time is just what you make out of it. There are no hours, minutes or seconds. Time is how you as a person bend it. Does that sound strange at all?

This is something that I have told Tom in a slightly simplified manner. He has talked to me about his inability to find time to do all the things he wants to do, but I’ve told him that you will find time as long as you really want to. Maybe I always am a bit too optimistic and “simpleminded” about things, but I don’t like to complicate everyday problems.

Now I find myself in the same seat as Tom. There is a Christmas art market comig up and I want to go there to sell my artwork. An attempt to make some extra cash due to our slightly difficult economical situation at the moment. The art market is the 3rd of December which means I basically have a month and a bit to start producing some quality art to sell, but in here lies the problem. Between that time and now I also have several projects and a big essay that you have to pass to pass the course itself.

AND I have Nebo.

Incase you did not know, Nebo is my personal project that I will attempt to put up for sale on lulu.com. It would be my first ever serious comic to go up on the market and be printed on demand. I love Nebo. It is fantastically fun to create the story and challenge my own style in the process. But I find myself running out of time. Again.

In the midst of all this I want to write a letter to my grandma at home, as a thank you for all she has done for me. I even have a layout for a card that I want to create and send, but I never sit down and properly DO it.

The problem with time is the simple fact that we get distracted from our goals. I do. Tom does. We let other things get in the way and take up way too much of our attention than it really needs to. How did I come up with this explanation?

Yesterday my computer died. Yes. My big computer. The memory went kapoof and I couldn’t start it at all. Normally I would go:

“HOLY SHIT MY COMPUTER!!! MY LIFE! FRACKING HELL! O_O!”

But I just kinda sat there and stared at the monitor. In the end Tom was able to help me get it up and running again, but it is very unstable and I was quick to transfer all my music to my laptop to save it, just in case. Today I will transfer all my artwork, my homepage and my photos.

I need to get off the computer. Seriously. Do you know how much time I spend on it, mindlessly surfing homepages, online comics, forums … chatting on 389204829 different channels in IRC, planning my skills in EVE etc etc. If I were to time how long I spent in front of that monitor each day I would be scared of the results, hence why I never do it. :D Of course I also spend lots of time on this blog. There are certain things on the net that I will never abandon. The communities I’m part of.

But the mindless porn surfing? I mean, cmon! I can actually create a page of Nebo during that time!

You see where I’m going with this rambling at 9am in the morning while waiting for my class to start? There is always time if you really want there to be. And I really need time. I need to pay more attention to Nebo, to the art market, to grandma, to my family, to my IRL friends. I feel horrible each time I get off the computer after hours of oogling at 4chan.

What I really need is some “diciprine” (to quote South Park). I’ve never had the amount of “diciprine” that I’ve always wanted, mainly because shiny things distract me and I’m such an impulsive person. (Ooh! Shiny paper cutter in library! Sharp blade!) <– See!?

Time to go to class. If there is one today. o_o

I love you blog.

Went home at 3pm yesterday with a truly horrific headache. I’ve never had problems with headaches before, so I think this was the worst one in my life. 2 pills later I fell asleep and woke up at about 4am. Had something to eat with Tom (who was up :P), fell asleep again and woke up at 10am. Yay.

Comic is done! Unless there are changes to be made to it. *sends to Sam*

Battlestar Galactica rocks ;_; *cry*

Tom is playing Super Mario.

Yarr!